I figured that if I’m going to do nothing today, I may as well keep track of how much nothing I’m doing. So I’m writing about the nothingness in here.
I didn’t even have the energy to turn on my laptop yesterday afternoon, and I overslept in the morning (yet again!), so I didn’t write a blog post in here. But today I will at least write for a few minutes, even if I haven’t done any web development work. I’ve felt so fatigued this whole weekend, and I’m not even sure why. It’s as if I’m still burnt out, even though I’m only working in the office part-time now. And I hardly got anything done during my free time last week, so why would I be burnt out?
I don’t feel depressed. I just feel tired and sometimes scared. Maybe I’ve been more stressed out than I realized. I mean, this might be a sign of stress: a cluster of my eyelashes turned grey this month. I didn’t even know that was possible! It looks sort of cool, actually. But anyway… This is when I have to try not to beat myself up for not working on the weekend. Well, it’s not that I feel guilty for not working. It’s that I’m frustrated with how tired I feel. And the more I sleep, the more tired it makes me. Not only did I not work on anything this weekend, but I didn’t really do anything fun, either. I spent a lot of time with my family, which I always appreciate, but I also spent a lot of time at their house just sitting around and doing nothing. And I always watch too much TV when I’m here.
Last year, when my mom was in hospice, I spent every weekend here, feeling sad and scared and talking about it with my dad and step-mom. Their house became more than just the place where I grew up; it became my safe haven. I still retreat to this place when things go wrong or I’m scared to face the world. I’m incredibly lucky to have such a supportive family, and spending time with them is very important to me, but spending the entire weekend here has clearly become a form of escapism. I know I’d be better off spending more time at my own apartment or out having fun with people my own age. So I will make an effort to gradually spend less time here.
Anyway, that’s enough stream-of-consciousness word vomit blurted out to the entire internet. Tomorrow is a new day. I’ll try not to get discouraged by how this weekend turned out, so hopefully I can get back into my routine with a clear mind.